


The Fine Art Of Keeping Secrets From The One You Love

by felixfrckls



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: 3+1 Structure, Alternate Universe - College/University, Best Friends, Chan doesn't know, Couch Cuddles, Felix Smokes, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, I'm Bad At Tagging, M/M, Mutual Pining, Sharing a Bed, Smoking, Smoking as coping mechanism, felix is scared of chan's reaction, other members are mentioned, slightly angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-31
Updated: 2019-08-31
Packaged: 2020-10-04 07:54:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20467619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/felixfrckls/pseuds/felixfrckls
Summary: They were the closest of friends butstill, Chan didn't know this about Felix. They had known each other for years and Felix knew the older wanted the best for him just as he did for him.And maybe, that was exactly the reason why Felix kept this particular, big secret from Chan, never sharing it with him.Because, even after years of friendship, Chan didn’t know Felix was a smoker.(or, the three times Chan should have put the pieces together and the one time no lie could cover the undeniable truth.)





	The Fine Art Of Keeping Secrets From The One You Love

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoy!

Felix didn't particularly like keeping secrets from Chan.

It was rare but there were times when, if Chan didn't ask and Felix didn't feel like sharing, he simply didn't tell. Some things were just not important enough to mention or, as it happened more often, Felix was already aware that Chan wasn’t going to like the information in the first place, so he kept quiet.

The reason why Felix kept this particular, big secret from Chan was exactly the latter. They were the closest of friends but _still, _ Chan didn't know this about Felix. They had known each other for years and Felix knew the older wanted the best for him just as he did for him.

And maybe, that’s why he had never shared this with him.

Because, even after years of friendship, Chan didn’t know Felix was a smoker. 

  


**I – The bitter smell of a lie.**

The bus had pulled over at the stop where Felix had to get off more than ten minutes before he and Chan were supposed to meet. He sighed in relief. That allowed him to have the perfect time to smoke a cigarette without Chan catching him.

He usually avoided risking too much, smoking in public places where he knew any of his friends could pass by and see him. Lately, though, the urge to have smoke clouding his lungs was stronger than it had been in a while and he couldn’t resist. 

Felix finished off his first smoke of the day two minutes before Chan was meant to arrive and, with a quick motion, he extinguished the cigarette in the ashtray beside the door and got into the cafe. The homey atmosphere of the place made him instantly relax, the cafe so familiar after the two of them had met for breakfast there every other day when they weren't too busy.

Felix took their usual table by the big window, greeting with a blinding smile the waiter who always served Chan and him when they visited. It was not more than five minutes after Felix had ordered his hot chocolate and Chan's Americano, that the bell over the door rang and Chan made his way into the cafe. Felix pretended not to feel his heart doing a backflip at the sight of Chan's smile as he noticed Felix sitting there, waiting for him. 

“I got your coffee,” Felix said as a greeting, pointing to the steaming hot cup sitting on the table in front of him. They were so used to catching breakfast together that they both knew by heart the other’s usual drink.

Chan frowned down at the cup, still standing next to the table. “It’s not fair. You paid last time already, it was my turn today,” Chan pouted. It wasn’t unusual for them to treat each other to breakfast but the unspoken rule was that neither of them should paid for it twice in a row. Chan accepted the drink nevertheless as he set down in the chair in front of Felix, knowing that his best friend was too stubborn to change his mind about it. 

“If only you had gotten here before me,” Felix wondered teasingly. He had no problem at all in treating Chan more often, even if the older didn’t like him spending too much money on him.

“You’re unfair,” Chan whined, faking an offended expression even though his eyes were sparkling in the way they usually did around Felix. “But thank you for this,” he said, his pout shifting in a fond smile directed at his best friend.

“It’s no problem,” Felix shrugged, trying to push away the warmness he felt at the sight of Chan smiling so lovingly up at him. The fact that Chan had a soft spot for him was no news but Felix sometimes wondered what it would feel like if those sweet smiles Chan gave him could mean something more, as Felix’s ones did.

Blinking confused, Felix noticed the smile on Chan's lips slowly disappear to leave space to a grimace, as his eyes looked around the almost empty room. Just two other tables besides theirs were taken, while the waiter waited behind the counter in case other customers arrived. Nothing seemed out of place.

“What’s up?” Felix asked, following Chan's actions and wondering what had gotten into his friend’s mind to make him look so worried.

“Don’t you smell something odd?” Chan asked, still trying to understand where that smell came from, his eyes roaming everywhere. “It’s like – smoke,” he realised getting more concerned, quickly turning his head towards the kitchen to catch if there was any sight of smoke coming from there.

Felix froze subtly, realising how his clothes smelled faintly of the smoke from the cigarette he had before Chan had arrived. It was easy to miss, so much that Felix didn’t even notice it. Chan was sitting right on the other side of the table, not even a meter away from him and, the fact that he wasn’t used to that aroma as Felix was probably made it stand out to him more.

“Maybe they burned something baking in the kitchen,” Felix offered, “the waiter doesn’t seem concerned so it’s probably nothing to worry about.” Felix was desperately trying to make the conversation drop but still quickly thought of an excuse in case Chan was to realise the smell actually came from him.

“Yeah, maybe,” Chan shrugged and turned back to the younger, focusing his attention on him and apparently forgetting about the mystery of the odd smell.

Chan was the one who started talking again soon after. “I’m so exhausted, you have no idea,” he started the conversation, rubbing his tired eyes and taking a big sip of the coffee in his hands. Felix frowned, only now noticing the deep dark circles tinting the skin under Chan's eyes.

“You stayed up late at the studio again?” Felix asked, his voice torn between scolding and concerned at his friend’s health. It was a question he sadly already knew the answer to. Chan had the awful habit of not realizing when his body needed a break, pushing himself to the far limit, staying up late so often that he couldn’t keep count anymore.

“I’ve got a deadline soon and I need to send the track to my professor before next week,” Chan explained, leaning his head back on the chair, closing his eyes. Despite his worry, Felix chuckled amused, realising that Chan could have easily fallen asleep then and there if he didn’t keep him awake.

“You really need to take a break before you collapse from exhaustion,” Felix stated, his ankle knocking gently on Chan's own under the table. The corners of Chan's lips turned upwards at the small gesture, fondness swimming in his chest.

“I wish I could but Changbin and Minho are always bickering like an old married couple. Every time I go home to take a nap or something the noise keeps me awake,” Chan sighed with tiredness written all over his face. He loved to share the apartment with the two of them and, for the most part, they were the best flatmates he could have asked for. Sometimes though, he needed some quietness and time for himself and their constant bickering could get a bit too much. 

“You know you can come over whenever you want, right? I shouldn’t even need to say that,” Felix reminded him softly. If Chan needed a place to crash when he wanted some peace, there was no reason for Felix to deny him that when he knew Chan would do the exact same thing for him.

Chan stayed silent, his eyes still closed but Felix could easily see how he was repeating his words in his mind by the way his brows furrowed slightly. He was clearly thinking about something and the confirmation came when his eyes blinked open and there was that spark in them that always made Felix’s own lips turn into a smile.

“Hyunjin and Jisung have lessons this morning, right?” Chan asked for confirmation even though he knew the answer already. Chan knew that Felix’s flatmates were hardly ever free in the mornings, reason why Felix could meet him for breakfast almost every time he asked.

Rising an eyebrow at the sudden and obvious question, Felix nodded.

“Let’s go take a nap at your’s,” Chan said, taking a big gulp of his coffee, finishing it in one go. He then got up from his seat, staring at Felix with that mischievous spark in his eyes. 

“What? But we just got here,” Felix argued, surprised. They usually spent hours either in that same cafe or taking walks around town so it was odd that Chan was already ready to leave.

“You just said that I can come over whenever I want, right? Right now, I would kill for a nap,” Chan wiggled his eyebrows, offering a hand to Felix so the younger could take it and get up as well.

Felix stared at his hand before shaking his head. “You’re dumb and I don’t know why I’m friends with you,” Felix sighed but the effect was ruined by the smile slowly moving his lips upwards. It was hard not to smile when Chan was being so charming. He took Chan's outstretched hand and let him lead him to the bus stop he had stopped at not even an hour before.

Luckily for them both, the next bus arrived within two minutes and they both sighed relieved at the warmness inside of it after having waited out in the cold February air. They set down on the first two free seats they could find, Felix beside the window and Chan squished against him as the bus began to move towards the younger’s home.

“I can’t believe you,” Felix pouted after the warmness had finally made him stop shivering, “you made me get up at eight in the morning to come here, just to go back home so early. You could have come over straight away, you dumbass.” Felix whined, leaning on the window to put as much distance between him and Chan as possible, even though they were still squished together in the little space the bus seats allowed them.

In all honesty, he wasn’t annoyed at all but it was fun to make Chan believe so. Yes, Felix would have gladly avoided two rides in the crowded bus so early in the morning but what he liked about breakfast with Chan wasn’t breakfast itself. 

It was spending time with Chan. 

As long as they didn’t part ways so early, he didn’t mind at all if they didn’t hang out at the cafe but at his house instead. Also, if Felix knew Chan well enough, he was almost one hundred per cent sure that napping with him meant lots of cuddles and he was definitely more than okay with that.

“Don’t be like that,” Chan pouted too, directing his puppy eyes at Felix, knowing they always worked. “You get to take a nap now, too,” he pointed out, leaning his head on Felix’s shoulder, even though the younger was still tilted towards the bus window, away from him. “And free cuddles,” Chan exclaimed happily, now adding an arm around Felix’s waist, too, hugging him close.

In the bliss of the moment, with the warmness inside the bus and Chan pressed against him, Felix let himself smile contentedly, forgetting about anything else. That’s until Chan perked up, sitting straight again and widening his eyes.

“It’s you!” he suddenly exclaimed, looking almost as confused as Felix.

“It’s me? What are you talking about?” Felix asked back, not understanding what was going on in Chan’s mind for the second time that day.

“Why do you smell like smoke?” Chan answered Felix’s question with another question. He didn’t look exactly mad, more like perplexed and Felix quickly went through his options, making his brain work twice as faster.

Chan would have definitely been worried about him and his health if Felix told him the truth, knowing that smoke could ruin his lungs. Felix was a dancer and his breath was essential, he knew that too, but it had never been a reason strong enough to make him actually quit. He had tried to stop for a while, more than once, but every time, for a reason or another, he gave in to the urge.

“Oh, really?” Felix asked faking obliviousness. He slightly lifted the hem of his shirt, sniffing it as if he didn’t know what he would smell there. “Damn, I really do,” he said, acting as well as he could because Chan knew him like the back of his hand and he could always easily tell when Felix was lying.

“The bus was packed this morning and a guy set next to me. He was clearly a smoker because the smell was really strong and I guess it stuck to my clothes since he was so close,” Felix explained casually, shrugging his shoulders. The lie sounded like a casual explanation in his ears but he wasn’t the one he needed to convince. He just hoped Chan couldn’t see through him this time.

Chan looked doubtful for a second more but at Felix’s calm expression he let it go, believing him. “For a second I was about to give you hell for it,” Chan joked light-heartedly, leaning his head on Felix’s shoulder once again, apparently forgetting about the previous shock like it was nothing. 

Felix forced out a laugh, accepting Chan’s weight against him. As the bus kept riding down the road, Felix sighed internally as his heart dropped into his stomach at Chan's last words.

Those comments were one of the reasons why he had never told him the truth. 

They were best friends but there was no way Chan would have understood, not this time.

(As both of them lied in Felix’s bed, Chan providing him with those free cuddles he had mentioned in the bus, Felix realised something.

“I’m sorry but I’m too cosy and comfortable to go wash away the smell of smoke from me,” he apologized, snuggling closer to Chan's warm chest.

“Don’t worry, I don’t mind that much,” Chan reassured him, wrapping his arms tighter around the boy’s body. “Besides, it smells sweet on you anyways,” Chan yawned, before closing his eyes and drifting off with his nose buried in Felix’s hair.

That made Felix smile.

After all, maybe Chan could understand.)

  


**II – A past truth covering a current lie.**

The clock hands were ticking closer to midnight, Changbin’s birthday quickly approaching. Felix, Chan and Minho were already in front of the three boys’ building, with a cake in their hands, ready to surprise the birthday boy, five minutes before the clock struck the first second of August 11th. 

“Come on, it’s almost midnight,” Felix said as he tried to take the steps leading to the apartment, struggling not to drop the cake or fall down the stairs, “Chan-hyung, light up the candles so we can knock on the door.”

It wasn’t difficult for both Felix and Minho to notice how Chan considerably froze on his way up, his eyes widening twice their size.

“Minho, I thought you brought the lighter,” Chan said, slowly and carefully, not moving from his spot.

“And I was sure _ you _ had it,” Minho countered, his eyes downright murderous, as he stopped too.

If Felix had his hands free he would have facepalmed at his friends' dumbness.

“I can clearly remember telling you to take the lighter we have at home before going out this morning,” Chan said, getting annoyed at Minho accusing him when he was sure it was the other who was at fault.

“So you’re telling me it’s almost midnight, we’ve come all the way here with a cake but we don’t have a fucking lighter to light up the candles?” Minho asked, annoyed at the idea of having spent time and effort just to give up now.

“You’re unbelievable! You’re accusing me when you are clearly the one who forgot,” Chan raised his voice, tired and annoyed.

They were now standing in front of the apartment door and, if Minho and Chan kept yelling at each other like that, Changbin was definitely going to hear them and the last chance to surprise him would be totally ruined. 

Sighing, Felix figured it was his turn to step in.

“Shut up you two,” Felix snapped, his low voice ringing louder than a yell over Chan's and Minho’s. Both of the boys instantly stopped talking, surprised by Felix’s apparently rude words. “Hold this for me,” Felix carefully put the cake he was holding in Chan's hands, the oldest and Minho watching him curiously.

Felix opened the smallest pocket of his backpack, quickly hiding the packet of cigarettes that threatened to fall from it. As he spotted the lighter he always kept with his cigarettes, he took it out, avoiding Chan's questioning gaze.

“Did I tell you to bring one?” Chan asked, sure to have asked Minho and not Felix but still wondering how Felix had a lighter with him if it wasn't for that reason.

Felix didn’t respond, quickly lighting up the candles and taking the cake in his hands again.

“Come on, we’re already two minutes late,” Felix said instead, motioning with a nod for Minho to knock on the door before the clock could move its hands even further from midnight.

  


While they celebrated Changbin’s birthday, the boy surprised and ecstatic, thanking them over and over again for the surprise, Felix tried to brush off Chan's confused stare fixed on him. Felix knew that, as soon as he had the chance to, Chan was going to ask him questions about why he was carrying a lighter if he had no reason to use it. 

As usual, Felix knew he could find a convincing lie and save the situation but he had the feeling that Chan wasn’t going to let it slip that easily this time. After all, it would have been pretty weird to say that it was just a fortunate coincidence, him casually carrying a lighter in his backpack ready for a random chance to use it. Felix knew that when he had taken the object out, but he couldn't let Chan and Minho keep yelling at each other and completely ruin Changbin’s surprise.

As their little impromptu birthday party came to an end, all three of the boys offered to Felix to sleep over. It was almost two in the morning now and he had either to walk the whole way home or find a cab so late into the night. Of course, it wasn’t the first time he had spent the night there so he knew for a fact that they didn’t have a spare bed for him to sleep on and the couch wasn’t too comfortable.

Every time he had stayed for the night, he had usually shared Chan’s bed and today was no different. He knew though that today, sharing a bed with Chan, most definitely meant having to explain himself. 

Finally in bed that night, Felix couldn’t help but notice how Chan left some distance between them, not pulling his body in as he usually did. Felix didn’t know what to think of it and he would have given anything to know what was going on in Chan's mind, afraid that Chan was somehow angry at him.

“A penny for your thoughts?” Felix whispered into the dark of the room. Even if Chan had a room for himself since he was the oldest while Minho and Changbin shared one, Felix didn’t want to bother any of the boys by talking loudly so late into the night.

Chan’s eyes met his gaze as they both laid on their sides facing each other. In the dark, Felix could still see the way Chan's brows were furrowed in thought, questions swimming in his brain but none reaching his lips. Felix hoped Chan was still clueless to put the pieces together and understand what was going on. Thinking about it, Felix knew that Chan had little to work with but he knew that the boy was intelligent enough to get on the right way.

“Why do you carry around a lighter if you don’t need it?” Chan finally asked, confirming Felix’s thoughts. If Chan usually sounded more curious than angry, this time he was wary, not finding a reason for Felix’s actions. The younger found himself dreading the moment, afraid of the consequences if Chan was already so doubtful of him.

For the second time, as Chan waited expectantly for an answer, Felix knew better than telling him the truth, not then at least.

“It has become a habit,” Felix explained. “When I was still in Australia, my friends used to smoke a lot but they would always forget their lighters so I got into the habit of bringing one myself for them to use,” he kept going, his voice shaking at the realisation that it was the closest to the truth he had ever told Chan.

“Were they older than you?” Chan asked and Felix was glad to notice how his expression was slowly turning more curious than wary. Felix hated how he was using Chan’s trust to hide the truth from him but he didn’t know what else to do.

Felix shook his head. “No, we were all either sixteen or seventeen,” he answered, already guessing what Chan was going to ask next.

“Weren’t they a bit too young to smoke already?” Chan asked, confirming Felix’s assumptions for the second time that night. 

“Maybe,” Felix shrugged, not enjoying where the conversation was going, “but it’s their life, it’s okay as long as they are aware of the risks.” Felix realised he was defending his friends back home in the same way he would have defended himself if Chan was ever going to find out about his habit.

“I guess you’re right,” Chan said, finally calming down his worries and doubts as Felix answered all his questions. “I’m glad they didn’t rub it off on you, though,” he put an end to the conversation, throwing an arm around Felix’s waist and closing his eyes, ready to fall into dreamland now that the tension had finally left his body.

As it always happened when they fell into similar conversations, Chan's comment left a bitter taste in Felix’s mouth, guilt swimming in his chest. He hated lying to Chan like that but, exactly because those were his reactions, he didn’t even want to picture what could happen if he ever told him the truth.

Felix didn’t fall asleep straight away that day even though it was late and he was exhausted. His mind kept playing Chan's words in his head, making his stomach clench. Felix’s explanation was so close to the truth that time that he wondered what could have happened if he had added that small missing detail.

Because it was true that his friends back home used to smoke and they always forgot their lighters. And it was true that maybe, after all, they were still a bit too young to fully realize what was going on. But it was also true, and that he was careful to avoid mentioning, that while his friends smoked, he was there too, using that same lighter to light his own cigarettes too.

For now, Chan wasn’t ready to know about that.

  


**III – The sight of something too close to the truth.**

As it often happened during Christmas break, both Minho and Changbin took a train home to their families and so did Jisung and Hyunjin, which left Felix and Chan alone in their respective houses.

As much as they liked spending time alone from time to time, neither of them actually wanted to spend Christmas Day alone. For that reason, ever since they had moved into their apartments and realised their flatmates were all going to leave, they had gotten into the habit of spending those weeks together, Chan basically moving in Felix’s apartment so both of them could enjoy each other's company.

It was one of the periods of the year they looked forward the most. 

Felix loved to have Chan there with him and Chan loved to be there. It was all so domestic that sometimes Felix forgot that the spell was going to break as soon as Christmas was over. Waking up next to each other, even if there were plenty of beds free for Chan to sleep in, cooking breakfast in the morning just to laze around the whole day or go out on what Felix stubbornly told Jisung were _ not _ dates.

Chan didn’t like him anyway, not romantically.

The little bonus that year was that Felix’s mother had managed to get a few days from work so she had planned to visit. Chan had insisted to spend those days at his own apartment so that Felix’s mother didn’t have to stay in a hotel. It was actually the woman who had turned down the offer. She knew how much both Felix and Chan loved to spend that time of the year together and she didn’t want to ruin their tradition with her presence. Besides, she trusted Felix enough to let him have his own privacy.

Felix and his mom had spent most of their mornings together, Chan sometimes joining in and she had even cooked dinner for them one evening at Felix’s apartment. Before leaving again, her flight that same afternoon, she had thanked Chan for always being there for Felix, helping him feeling less homesick. Chan assured her that he would do anything to know Felix was happy and was going to be there for him for as long as he would let him. The woman smirked knowingly before hugging both boys, Felix’s face both blushing at Chan's words and saddening because he had to say goodbye to his mother again.

That same evening Chan and Felix fell into the same old routine they had established ever since the beginning of the break. Chan knew how miserable Felix got every time he had the chance to stay with his family just to have to say goodbye again, so he suggested watching a movie, not wasting a second to throw himself at Felix and getting all the cuddles he could.

Chan was extremely affectionate and he was even more so with Felix, which sometimes confused the boy a lot. He figured it was just normal best friends behaviour so he accepted it with open arms, ignoring the ache in his chest. 

“Hyung,” Felix suddenly whined, his voice ringing as the movie reached its half. He was currently squished between the couch and Chan's body lying on top of him, the position awfully intimate. Chan knew that physical closeness always helped Felix when he felt down so he had jumped in straight away, both because he wanted to make sure the boy was okay and because he would never let a chance of cuddling Felix pass by.

“What?” he asked, raising his head so his chin was resting in the middle of Felix’s chest. Felix ignored how Chan's eyes lingered on his lips for a second too long.

“My phone is dead,” Felix pouted, still not giving much of an explanation. “Can you go and plug it in? Pretty please,” Felix asked, making puppy eyes. He knew Chan couldn’t resist those.

“Why me?” Chan groaned, rubbing his cheek on Felix’s chest affectionately, “I’m so comfortable and, besides, it’s your phone.”

Felix chuckled at his antics, carding his fingers through Chan's hair. He knew he was just making it harder for Chan to get up but he couldn’t resist.

“You need to move to let me get up anyway, you might as well do it yourself then,” Felix pointed out, knowing his reasoning made actual sense. “You get free cuddles after,” he exclaimed using the same offer Chan always used against him. They were both suckers for cuddles and they knew perfectly well how to use it against the other.

“You’re such a handful and I really hate you for making me get up,” Chan said but he got up nevertheless, leaving a smiling and content Felix lying on the couch. He took Felix’s phone which was indeed dead and walked to the hallway, toward the younger’s room.

“I love you too, Chris,” Felix called behind him, laughing when Chan flipped him off.

“Where’s your charger? I can’t find it,” Chan yelled from the room. With a hallway between them and the movie still playing, his voice came as a mumble even though he was yelling.

“If it’s not on the bedside table then it’s in my backpack. In the smallest pocket,” Felix answered, his voice just as loud.

No more words came from the other room and Felix guessed Chan had found the charger and finally plugged in his phone. His attention was still on the movie when Chan came back, stopping at the doorstep and not lying down as Felix had expected him to.

“Felix?” Chan asked, his voice sounding more serious than the playful atmosphere between them just minutes before. Noticing it too, Felix turned around, now focusing entirely on Chan. “Why do you have a packet of cigarettes in your backpack?” he asked carefully, spelling out word for word as if he was defusing a bomb.

“Fuck,” Felix muttered under his breath, only now noticing the packet in Chan's hands. His mind ran a mile a minute trying to come up with a good explanation on the spot even if this time it was extremely hard to deny what Chan had found.

As he came to think of it, the mistake was all his. Maybe it was the warmness Chan had left behind, making him sleepy and less aware or maybe it was the film playing which was taking up most of Felix’s attention. Nevertheless, Felix could have seen it coming.

Chan looked disappointed and a bit confused and Felix realised that if he had ever wanted to tell Chan the truth it wasn’t in that way. So he made his mind work hard to try to save the situation.

Faking surprise himself, Felix set up, clearing his throat. “You know how my mom smokes, right?” he asked casually. No, of course Chan didn’t know, because it wasn’t true. “She asked me to carry them since she didn’t have a bag with her and I guess we both forgot about it,” he explained, aware that this time the lie wasn’t convincing even to his own ears. 

As the situation had taken him off guard, he couldn’t think of anything better. Still, his heart dropped when Chan looked at him sceptically, probably not convinced by his words. The fact that Chan didn’t believe him even if he usually trusted Felix's words blindly, let Felix understand how questionable his explanation sounded.

“I didn’t know your mom smoked. I haven't seen her smoking for the whole week she was here,” Chan pointed out, his suspicions making Felix sweat.

“Oh, she doesn’t like to smoke in front of other people, I’ve rarely seen her myself,” Felix explained, biting on the inside of his cheek, hoping Chan would just take it and drop the conversation.

Chan hummed, still not fully convinced but not having more proofs to certainly say Felix was lying. “What do you plan to do with these?” he asked an easier question, rising the hand still holding the cigarettes. 

For a second, Felix was afraid Chan was going to throw them away. It wasn’t that big of a deal per se but with Chan sharing the apartment with him those weeks, he hadn’t had the chance to have a smoke for a long time and he was really craving one. The idea of having to go down to the shop to buy a packet again when Chan left seemed to be too much of a bother right now.

“I don’t know,” he responded instead, shrugging his shoulders. “They’re pretty expensive so I don’t really feel like just throwing them away. I guess I’ll just keep them here and give them back to my mom the next time she visits,” Felix shot, hoping Chan was okay with the idea and didn’t put resistance. 

“Sounds like a plan,” Chan agreed easily, making Felix sigh with relief. Silence took over as Chan kept staring right at him, a question already on his lips. “You’re not going to keep them for yourself, right?” he couldn’t help asking, trusting his best friend but still wary.

For a moment, Felix thought Chan had it all figured out, it was the only reason why he could be asking such a question. Even though he hadn’t brought it up again, Chan was actually a bit confused as to why Felix seemed to always freeze at the mention of smoke so he found it fitting to ask, just to be sure.

“God, of course not,” Felix quickly denied, shaking his head vehemently. If Chan knew his secret already, good for him, but he certainly wasn’t going to bring it up himself. "Why would you think that?" Felix asked his voice torn between guilty and curious. 

"I’m sorry, I didn't mean to imply anything," Chan apologized, not wanting to offend Felix in any way. As much as he felt like Felix was still keeping something from him, he didn't want to make Felix feel like he didn’t trust him or consider him a liar.

"It's not that but trust me, I won't touch them," Felix assured, the words feeling incredibly wrong on his tongue and his throat tightening at the idea of lying to Chan straight to his face. 

Chan smiled fondly, the doubts about the whole matter swept away by the need to be sure that Felix was okay and in any way offended or mad at him for his assumptions. 

"I trust you, you know I do," Chan said, his voice confident and sure so that Felix couldn't question it even if he wanted to. Felix beamed at him, happy Chan felt that way about him, even though his chest was still heavy with guilt.

"Then come here," Felix offered, opening his arms, "I promised you free cuddles, didn't I?" Chan didn't waste a second before falling straight into Felix's waiting arms, dropping the packet in his hand on the coffee table just before wrapping his arms around Felix's body, falling on top of him just like a warm blanket. 

Neither of them said anything more, basking in the feeling of how well they fitted together, just like puzzle pieces, Chan smiling reassured and Felix feeling like his constant lies could make him lose Chan at any moment now.

(When Christmas break was over and Chan was back at his apartment, they met in the cafe for breakfast as usual. That day Chan was the one who brought up the topic again, asking what Felix had done with the cigarettes he was still sure belonged to Felix’s mother. 

With a shrug, Felix just told him his mom had said he could give the packet to anybody or just throw them away since it would be useless to wait until she visited again, who knows when. Chan believed him, nodding to himself, oddly reassured that Felix had been told to get rid of it.

And it wasn't a complete lie, either.

Because the packet was really in Felix's rubbish by the time they were talking. 

The only detail Felix had avoided was how the same packet was in the trash because it was empty after he had smoked every single one of the cigarettes in it.)

  


**IV – A lie and a secret coming to terms with the truth.**

Even though both Jisung and Hyunjin had left for class and he was alone, Felix had turned down Chan's invite for breakfast with the excuse of not feeling too well. 

It wasn't that he didn't want to spend time with Chan – because he always did – but the older boy was half of the reason why he was feeling so restless in the first place so he figured that taking a moment for himself could only help. 

Since Jisung and Hyunjin didn't particularly like the smell of smoke, he usually never smoked inside the house if they were there. Actually, it wasn't something Felix often did even if they weren’t home but that day, he was feeling particularly anxious. 

Felix lit up a cigarette, one taken from the new packet he had bought just the day before after he had finished another one. Too lost in his thoughts, he shrugged, figuring that, with an open window, the smell would go away before his flatmates came back home anyway. 

The bitter taste of smoke took over his senses and with each exhale, Felix could feel his anxiety calm down just that little bit. It wasn't a solution, he knew that, but it allowed him to tune out his thoughts for a couple of minutes and he certainly wasn’t going to let the chance go by. 

It didn't take long for the whole, small living room to smell of smoke and Felix basked in the feeling, his brain finally shutting up. He had noticed how much the urge to have a cigarette between his lips had been stronger lately and it slightly scared him. He didn't want to destroy his lungs or make it an obsession but smoking was one of the few things that could make his anxiety fade for a while. 

Hanging out with Chan was one of those things too and Felix's heart hurt at the thought of how a single wrong word could ruin everything between them. Because Felix loved Chan and maybe, he loved him a bit too much as Chan considered him as a little brother he had to look after.

It hurt but Felix guessed it was either that or losing Chan all together.

Felix was so lost in the taste of nicotine on his tongue and the smell of smoke surrounding him, that he almost didn't hear the knock on the door calling for his attention. He wasn't waiting for anyone so the sound surprised him. Too blue to deal with it, Felix pretended not to be home, hoping that whoever it was caught the hint and just left. 

"Felix, it's me," a voice came as the knocks never stopped. 

That made Felix jump on his feet. 

At the door was none other than the boy he wanted to avoid until he hadn’t dealt with his feelings properly. 

Felix quickly thought of his options. He could either keep pretending not to be home and possibly hurt Chan when he realised he had just found an excuse not to hang out with him, or he could tell him the truth after all this time of lying. 

Felix was honestly tired of lying to one of the most important people in his life and, in the mental state he was in, he couldn’t deal with coming up with more excuses to cover up his lies. Chan deserved the truth and even if he wasn’t going to be happy with it at least Felix could finally start to be honest with him.

Still trying not to make it look too bad, Felix opened more windows in the room, moving his arms in the air like a madman as if it was going to make the smell of smoke fade more quickly. 

"I’m coming," he yelled frantically as Chan was still at the door waiting for some kind of response, knowing Felix had to be home. 

"It's okay, I can just use the spare key," Chan said, clearly relieved to hear Felix's voice. Felix could hear him fighting with the flowerpot where Jisung had insisted to hide the other key to their apartment in case of emergency. 

"Don't!" Felix yelled, panicking. He wasn’t going to hide from Chan anymore but there were still ways and ways to break it out to him and he figured that surprising Felix in a cloud of smoke with a still-lit cigarette in his hand, was not it. 

The sounds from outside stopped. "Lix, are you alright?" Chan asked, not opening the door even though he was now holding the key in his hand. He respected Felix’s privacy and if the younger told him not to do it, he didn't have the right to act differently. 

Walking with short steps towards the door, Felix exhaled defeated.

No more lying. 

"You're going to get mad," he warned sighing, so close to the doorstep now that Chan could clearly hear him as if they were in the same room. 

"I'm not. Really, Felix, what is going on?" Chan pushed, worried and anxious, staring at the door as it could open with the force of it. Felix didn't answer his question but instead turned the doorknob until the door was open. 

All Chan could see was Felix, looking as usual with his messy blonde hair and freckles free from any makeup. He tilted his head confused as to why Felix was so scared of him being mad if nothing looked out of place. 

That's until Felix turned his back to him, slowly walking back into the living room, Chan following him close. As soon as they got in and the door was closed behind them, Chan was suddenly hit with a smell so strong that he couldn't avoid coughing. 

When his glossy eyes focused again, he quickly looked around to find what was burning in the house for it to smell so strongly. Taking a step back, Chan realized that the only thing which was burning was the still-lit cigarette between Felix's fingers. 

When he realised he was still holding it, too focused on Chan until that moment, the younger promptly extinguished it in the ashtray on the window sill.

"I'm sorry, I wouldn't have smoked in here if I knew you were coming over," Felix apologized, breaking the ice, mainly mentioning to the fact that the smoke in the house had almost made Chan choke from all the coughing. 

Chan stared at him, at how scared Felix looked and how his fingers were slightly shaking. As much as he was annoyed and a bit hurt at having to find out about it in that way, Chan knew better than making a scene which would just make Felix more overwhelmed. 

"Because of the smell or because I wouldn't have caught you if you didn't?" Chan asked, trying to keep his voice as stable and gentle as possible so Felix wouldn't put up those walls Chan was usually allowed through. 

"I wasn't planning on telling you anytime soon," Felix admitted, knowing there was no point in pretending like it was something he was about to trust Chan with. If it was true, then he would have told him way before.

Chan appreciated that Felix didn't try to lie this time. As much as one part of Felix was relieved that he was finally going to let this secret go, the other was still nervously waiting for Chan’s outburst, knowing from his previous comments that the older didn't approve of it. 

"So you were lying when, the day I told you you smelled of smoke, you said that it was because of that guy’s smell stuck on your clothes?" Chan asked, more for confirmation than as an actual question. Piece after piece, Felix could see the puzzle in Chan’s head being completed. 

They had known each other for so long and were best friends for just as long that Chan couldn't understand why Felix hadn't told him about it before or how Chan didn't get the hints himself. 

"I had a smoke before you arrived at the cafe," Felix confirmed, knowing that Chan deserved only the truth now, whatever the outcome of this conversation was going to be. 

"And when you said you bring around a lighter because your friends used to smoke?" Chan continued, staring straight into Felix's eyes. The younger gulped heavily, before nodding.

"That wasn't completely a lie, they did forget their lighters every time. But at that time, I used to smoke with them too and still smoke today," Felix explained, glad that Chan wasn't yelling at him but actually giving him the chance of calmly explaining himself. 

"And your mom isn't a smoker, I guess," Chan pointed out, the answer already obvious by now. Chan thought so too as he shook his head.

Felix confirmed, nodding once again, "the packet was mine." 

Silence hung in the room, Felix trying to stay calm, finding comfort in the smoke still lingering in the air while Chan wasn't moving at all, seeming frozen. Felix sighed, squirming under the boy’s stare and the defeating silence. 

"I know what you're going to say so just say it," Felix pushed, staring at the floor, feeling too guilty to make eye contact with the older. 

Even though he had received the go-ahead, Chan didn't speak a word when Felix finished, his eyes still fixed on his best friend as if he was trying to read his mind. 

"At least don't smoke in here," Chan finally said, surprising Felix who had expected to be yelled at. "Come," Chan called, taking Felix's wrist with his hand and the packet of cigarettes and lighter with the other. He walked them out of the apartment, following the path to the second place they loved to hang out at after the cafe. 

The rooftop of the building was silent as always, only them there as it usually was when they spent their time there. The skyline surrounded them in every direction and Felix felt Chan taking a big breath probably relieved to smell fresh air again. 

As they reached the edge of the rooftop, both leaning on it to watch the cars zooming on the street, Chan handed Felix the content of his hand. 

"I'm not going to smoke with you here," Felix frowned, his eyes switching from the cigarettes to Chan, blinking quickly at the absurdity of the situation. 

"Why not?" Chan asked innocently, pushing the packet closer to Felix so the younger could take it himself. Felix looked extremely nervous and despite everything, Chan hated the idea of him feeling that way around him. 

"Because it's weird and it makes you uncomfortable," Felix pointed out as if it was a matter of fact Chan should have been well aware of. The younger still couldn’t understand why Chan was so calm and collected about it while he was a bound of nerves.

"Just because I worry about you, it doesn't mean I'm going to yell at you or turn my back on you," Chan explained carefully, making sure every world held meaning to Felix, comforting him. 

"You're not?" Felix asked, his voice so small that Chan couldn’t help but smile sweetly at him. It looked like Felix was really expecting Chan to throw a fit or even hate him for it. 

He could have never hated Felix, not even if he tried. 

"I'm not," Chan confirmed, nodding surely, "go ahead if you want to." 

As much as Felix didn't like the idea of smoking in front of people and finding it particularly weird to do it in front of Chan, his fingers were shaking with anxiety. If breathing nicotine could make him go through this conversation without breaking down, well, he couldn't refuse. 

His fingers lit the cigarette with a practised movement and looking ahead, he inhaled the first breath, accepting the taste on his tongue once again. He could feel Chan's eyes on him but he didn't say anything, still confused about what was going on but relaxing nevertheless. 

"I won’t say you should be smoking but you look hot doing it," Chan teased, his too straightforward opinion hidden behind the teasing they were more used to. 

Felix blushed bright red, not getting why Chan was being so understanding of the situation. He had gotten so familiar with the idea of Chan being disappointed in him or even forcing him to quit smoking, that, now that the reaction was nothing of that sort, Felix felt somehow even more torn. 

Finding a bit of comfort in the familiar teasing, Felix kept quiet but blew playfully some of the smoke in his mouth towards Chan, making the older cough at the sensation.

“I’m going to choke for real if I inhale any more smoke today. I don’t know how you do it,” Chan whined when his lungs were clear and he had finally calmed down.

“It’s not bad, it’s calming actually,” Felix shared, watching as the ashes flew away in the wind.

When the silence stretched longer, Felix not knowing what to expect anymore, Chan broke it, now serious again. "I don't know if I should start by asking you why you didn't tell me about this or why you lied about being too sick to hang out," he addressed, unable to hide the hurt in his voice. 

Feeling too overwhelmed by the course of events, Felix had forgotten about the invite to hang out he had turned down and he was thrown into another loop of anxiety at the idea of having to explain about that too. With shaky fingers, he took another drag from the cigarette. 

"Those times I lied to you about smoking," Felix began, "you made comments that made me think you were uncomfortable with it and I was scared of what you would think of me if I told you the truth." Slowly, Felix opened up, feeling a weight getting lighter on his chest. 

"You know, you said you were glad my friends didn't rub their habit on me and you looked so worried when you asked me if I was going to keep the packet you found in my bag for myself," Felix kept going, feeling like the words came like a flood now that he had broken the walls. 

"But things have been a little tough lately and I started to get the urge to smoke more often than usual and every time I thought about telling you, I just got nervous and chickened out," he finished, glad that Chan had let him speak freely without interrupting him. 

The weight on his chest was still there but with every word, it became lighter until Felix’s fingers stopped shaking around the almost finished cigarette.

"Now that I think about it, I understand why my comments could have made you nervous about telling me and I'm really sorry. I just want the best for you, Lix, and yes, I'm not over the moon with this and I'm still worried but I'm not going to turn my back on you just because you have a bad habit," Chan reassured, letting the words wash over Felix.

He could really understand now why Felix was so scared of sharing the truth with him and he mentally slapped himself for not noticing Felix's reactions every time he said something about the topic. 

"Some of us work until dawn almost every day and some other smoke, it's not the end of the world," Chan joked, trying to lift up Felix’s spirit and make him understand that it was really fine.

He leant his head on Felix's shoulder as the younger finished off his cigarette. The smoke surrounded them and Chan felt like coughing again but the warmth of Felix’s body was too strong to think about moving away. 

"Thank you, really," Felix whispered, his voice shy and still overwhelmed, simple words that held a stronger meaning. He didn't need to say more, Chan understood him, he always did. 

"So you've been doing this since before we met?" Chan asked, now more curious since he knew things between them were okay and Felix was finally being honest with him about it. 

"I started with my friends back home when we were around fifteen, I think," Felix answered and knew Chan was curious to know more by the way he tilted his head so he could look at him. "Back then it was just some kind of rebellion, I guess," both Chan and he chuckled at that. "Then I realised it actually helps me calm down when I feel particularly anxious or nervous. But the urge has never been as strong as it is lately," Felix finished, Chan frowning at that. 

"What's going on that it's making you so nervous?" he asked turning worried once again. They had hung out and talked a lot as usual and Felix had never mentioned anything making him feel so bothered. 

"A couple of things," Felix answered cryptically, knowing that if he was sincere about this new topic the chances of the conversation ending well were few. Chan’s reaction at finding out about his habit was already a lot to take in and Felix guessed he couldn't be so lucky to have it easy the second time around too. 

"I'm not going to force you into telling me anything and I understand if you need more time or will never want to talk about it at all, but you know you can tell me anything, right?" Chan reminded him, suddenly feeling a lot smaller than he actually was. The idea of Felix hurting and not wanting to talk about it made his chest feel heavy in his chest and worry about his best friend even more. 

Felix could lie again.

He could find another excuse or simply tell Chan he didn't feel like talking. He _ could _do that but the sight of Chan feeling so insecure, as if he knew he wasn't enough to make Felix feel better, made Felix forget about everything that wasn't the truth. If fate wanted to reveal all his secrets today, at least he was going to do that making sure Chan was not having doubts about being a good friend for him. 

"You remember my ex, the one who's still in dance class with me?" Felix asked, knowing perfectly well that Chan knew who he was talking about. 

When Felix and his ex, a boy he had met in college, had broken up, it had been Chan the one drying the tears on Felix's usually smiling cheeks, reassuring him that everything was going to be fine. It was maybe because of that that Chan tensed at the question, pulling away from Felix's shoulder, the action leaving the younger boy feeling suddenly cold. 

"He asked me for a second chance," Felix said as Chan's body grew tenser by the second. There was something in his eyes that was turning cold too and Felix was quick to keep talking before the older misunderstood him. "I turned him down but he keeps insisting and I don't know how to make him understand I really don't want to be with him without making things really awful between us," Felix explained, sighing internally when Chan relaxed a tad bit, probably relieved his best friend wasn't going to fall for it once again after the boy had hurt him in the past. 

"Why did you say no though? It seems like he really cares," Chan asked because, even if he hated the idea of seeing Felix with the guy **– ** with any guy really **–**, his title as the best friend didn't give him the right to tell Felix who he should and shouldn't be dating. 

And one more time, Felix could have lied and avoided having to explain things that could go incredibly wrong. But he was tired and worn out by the conversation and his mouth moved before he could think clearly about what his words could lead to. 

"I like someone else, I've had for a while. It would be mean to say yes to him when I don't have feelings for him," Felix explained, sighing defeated both because he was really sorry for hurting his ex but also because he knew the feelings he had for Chan were never going to be reciprocated. But still, he wouldn't make the mistake of dating someone else while Chan was still constantly in his thoughts. 

Chan felt his jaw clench. Felix had never talked about this person he had feelings for and Chan felt stupid at having been hopeful until then. Once again though, he knew that he couldn't act like a crappy friend just because his heart was aching in his chest. Felix deserved better. 

"Do I know them?" he simply asked, trying to masquer the bitter taste the words left in his mouth. If Felix wanted to confide in him, he had to be there for him even if it hurt. 

Felix turned around, staring right in his eyes and Chan could read a mess of emotions in them that confused him. 

Fear, hope, fondness, _ love _. 

"You're going to get angry again," Felix whispered, his eyes still locked with Chan’s. He blinked when Chan’s stare turned into a fond look, silently assuring that everything was going to be okay. 

"You said I was going to get angry when I found you smoking but I didn't. Why would I get angry now?" Chan smiled, tilting his head to the side. He frowned when his attempts only made Felix look closer to breaking down in tears. 

Felix averted his eyes to lower them to the ground and when he raised them again, Chan noticed the actual tears forming in them. 

"Because that didn't affect you in any way. This does," Felix revealed, the closest to a confession he could master at that moment. As Chan stayed silent, fear started to crawl under Felix’s skin, convincing that he had ruined everything.

On the other hand, Chan blinked quickly, those words swimming in his brain as hope bloomed in his chest. 

"Does this have anything to do with you not wanting to hang out today?" Chan asked carefully, not wanting to make Felix more upset than he already was but still having the need to clearly understand what was going on. 

Felix nodded slowly, his shoulders tensed as to make his body as tiny as possible. "I needed some time alone," he explained before sighing and continuing, "away from you."

Chan inhaled loudly, his lips spontaneously turning up into a smile despite Felix looking clearly upset in front of him. When he had walked into Felix's apartment that day, he didn't certainly expect to find Felix smoking and to add to it, having him then confessing Chan was the guy he had feelings for. 

"Did you know that the first thing your mom asked me when she was here was if we had finally started dating?" Chan asked, chuckling and taking a step closer to Felix's still tense form. He didn't wait for an answer before talking again, "and when I told her we hadn’t, she told me I should confess quickly before someone takes you away from me." 

With that being said, Chan took the last step that separated him from Felix, reaching out for his hand and gently intertwining their fingers together. Felix snapped his head up, inhaling sharply when he realised how close Chan actually was. 

"Confessing...to me?" he asked dumbly, still trying to make sense to what Chan was telling him. It was certainly his mind playing tricks on him because of the intense conversation, there was no way he had understood correctly. 

"No, to my dog," Chan responded in a heartbeat, shaking his head, "yes to you, dumbass." The fond look on Chan’s face was so overwhelming that, for a second, Felix had to close his eyes and take control of his heartbeat before his heart threatened to beat out of his chest. 

"Shut up, you don't even have a dog," Felix answered half-heartedly, still too shocked to address the words Chan had told him. 

Chan laughed at that, understanding that Felix needed a second to take everything in. He dared to put a hand on the nape of Felix’s neck gently caressing the skin there. They had always been affectionate with each other but this felt different. This wasn't best friends being best friends but best friends who were finally coming to terms with the feelings they had for each other. 

"I've had feelings for you for so long that I was sure you had realised them at some point but didn't want to hurt me by turning me down," Chan confessed, his voice nothing more than a whisper shared between the little space that separated them. "I can't believe you really thought I didn't feel the same," he finished more to himself than anything. 

"I'm sorry for lying to you," Felix apologized, leaning his forehead on Chan's shoulder so the boy's hand was now buried in his blonde hair, lightly playing with them. "Both about this morning and the smoking thing," he specified, even if Chan had probably already understood what he meant. 

"It's okay, I understand now why you did it," Chan reassured him, smoothly wrapping his other arm around Felix's waist so they were now fully hugging. "I'm not mad," he said once again, dropping a sweet kiss on the top of Felix's head, smiling at how Felix sighed content at the feeling. 

They were tightly wrapped around each other in one of their favourite places, whispering sweet confessions to one another. That moment was everything both of them had wished for so long that it almost felt like a dream. 

There was only one thing left. 

"Lix?" Chan called for the other’s attention as if it wasn’t focused entirely on him already, gently tapping a finger on his neck. He continued when Felix raised his head, their eyes meeting again as both of them smiled. "Can I kiss you?" he simply asked, knowing no more words were needed between them. 

Felix would have jumped in it in a heartbeat but Chan saw him frowning, confusing him. "I'm going to taste like smoke," he said as an answer, figuring Chan wouldn't want to have their first kiss together when all he could taste on his lips was nicotine. 

"I don't know why you think I hate the taste and the smell of smoke so much because I really don't," Chan reassured for the second time that the topic came up. Felix beamed at him, his frown completely gone. "Besides, I meant it when I said that it tastes sweet on you anyway," Chan confessed. 

He didn't give Felix the time to respond because in a second his lips covered Felix's smile. Their lips met in the gentlest of kisses, the bitter taste of smoke on Felix mixing with the sweet taste of Chan in something both of them could easily get addicted to. 

Felix didn't have any more secrets to keep from Chan and there, with their lips interlocked and eyes holding the love they had tried to silence for so long, they were happy.

Maybe Chan didn't particularly like the idea of Felix smoking and maybe there would have been better ways to break it out to him but, after months of doubting, Felix had realised that maybe Chan really wanted to understand him, after all.

For the first time, Felix let himself believe that things were really going to be okay.

As his fingers didn’t crave to hold a cigarette, his thoughts got finally silenced by something that was definitely sweeter than the taste of nicotine on his lips. 

**Author's Note:**

> This was a vent fic and I had really fun writing it!  
Hope you have an amazing day and you can always find me @[felixfrckls](https://twitter.com/Felixfrckls) on twitter!
> 
> Kudos and comments are really appreciated! (o^▽^o)


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